I picked up Starbucks. Oh, how you loved that thing. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. And that is all I want more than anything in the world. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. It wont be the real name for the baby. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. These are kids. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. #cryingallday. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didnt. We went to dinner in this big city last night. It is the pieces of pretend that give me a break from our reality. You look pretty today. Mawahahahahaha. No trace of black oblivion coma, existed. Everyone needs to check them out. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I wont miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. The girls asked if I still had your Captain Rex costume. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. Aye! To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. that my New York Miss Macy made me. That is basically like naming her Wooddawg. I had to laugh at that. I beg over and over in my head. I went up to the mom. You are so right. I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernandas house. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. In the middle of my noyoucannotsoblikeafuckingbabyinfrontofallthesepeopletantrum. Nothing helps. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. Shes had it for a while. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. Do not let anything take him away. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. Please!!!!!!! They are so not cool with it. Are you o.k. How surreal this all still seems to me. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. I look forward to hearing her speak tomorrow. I love you so much. I think I need to spread the RoLove around. Everything I do is for you. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. Then I went down that road. Same with our Fairy RoMo. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I took her to your favorite pizza spot, Delizas, which is right by the Ronald McDonald House. I know how stubborn you are and I know how you wont let ANYONE take care of you., me: I hate that you know me so well. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. I know you want to be here doing them, just as badly. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. Its taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. Wheres Ronan? Im in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. I chose to escape instead. Somebody make this not real because it is too horrific. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. He came in beaming and so happy. I miss you so much. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. I cannot get rid of your bed and the Master Yoda that hangs above it. It brought life, hope, color and reassurance to those still fighting. I remember last year, I couldnt even pack my suitcase. I am not doing anything else. We found a kid sized one to dress up. All happy and carefree. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. I will see you tomorrow.. I love you, Liz. Yes, it was barbaric. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today? Such amazing little boys they are. You know you have my utmost respect, always. That will never go away. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. We were all tired from our long day of traveling. We talk about you a lot. Ronan. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. I love you to the moon and back. I know we talked about it, but I dont remember all the things you told me. Our sad little house that leaves makes my skin crawl during the day because I miss you so much. THANK YOU. At least that is the vibe I got. Taken on March 29, 2011. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. 2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and ACat. And maybe a little less sad. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. I live on, for you because I love you so much. I woke up to a quiet house. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. Forever friends because of the unthinkable bond that we share. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didnt have to walk alone. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. on There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. Quinn was over the moon. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. I know I was in shock but I am also sure I was numb from much of the medication I was on. I didnt survive this. Im not a scientist. I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened. I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. I need your help. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. I have tried to be as productive as possible. Ah, for those of you who have also been asking the logo for Ronans Foundation is a little seal, because that is what his name means Irish and Gaelic. Im sad. A light-hearted but heavy-hearted way to make some money to get Dr. Mosses trial funded, seemed like the way to go. She looked at me and said, How are you not so overwhelmed?! I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. Meat is still my enemy. I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. I cant do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. The fact that I still dont really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. That is about the best I can do. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well. This is all for tonight, little man. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. What do you say to that? Like you are missing and not actually dead. Sweet dreams, baby boy. Reliving the things you went through, has not been fun and its not what I want this book to be about, so Ive been trying to make this section, as short as possible. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. This led to him calling my phone. Guess what? It started Wednesday night. Most of the time alone. Some things I like to keep private, like peoples real names. You two are going to be something else. I laughed and talked about you a little bit. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. I had visions of all the other angry people, right there with me. Im really sick and alone and nobody wants to take care of me., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: You are not alone. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. Lay down again. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. I think the phone call went really, really, well. For that, I will forever be so thankful. I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. Liam of course tried to tell me it was just another cat. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. I am so scared of having a still birth because thats the world I live in now and its all I hear about, besides cancer.. I promise to be the best mama to her. She talked about how she was so excited to run this but then pulling up to park and seeing your little face on the poster was just awful. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. The biggest reason of all. I think I will wear black all day long. Almost too good. How do you know everything? What I wouldnt give to have just one more second with you. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. So funny. Throw in a traumatic death of a child on top of it and its a freaking party now! In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this wont ever be the case. Im mentally tapped out. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer. NOWHERE. I have not been sleeping well. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Ronan really wanted a girl. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. Just as I was saying to her, How am I going to survive these next two months? A text popped up on my phone. I miss you so much. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Ahhhh! Ill keep you posted on when things are ready. What a day. We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbells. I spent the next couple of days, wishing for death just due to how physically awful I felt and for the first time, it was due to something else then the loss of you. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I dont have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me. Fucking cancer. It didnt. I am so grateful to everyone who came to support your foundation. There is a lot of business to attend to, but that never gets in the way of the love and laughter that fills our house while those girls are here. Im so sad and I cant stop crying. Next month. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. A long talk with Mr. Sparkly eyes, an email from my Mrs. The days are lost for me. Start over. Handing her your Rocard. I think it would have gotten the Ronan seal of approval. For the love that was ripped from my arms. She put the little wand over my belly. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. We all are. Ronan. I got through your diagnoses and I had no idea writing about that again would leave my head spinning in the way that it did. Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. They make the raddest tee shirts out there. Ive noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately.